She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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