it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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