you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
