I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
