Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
