OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
