Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Dignity is for republicans.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
