Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
