i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
