Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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