I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
