My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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