R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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