Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
