Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
