You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
