i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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