So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
