you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
