whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
