I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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