i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
