yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
