textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
