you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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