omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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