I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
