I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
