i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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