it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
