You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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