well I can't set my house on fire every night
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Randomize
