NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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