I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
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