So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
