Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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