I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
