I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
