You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
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