My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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