When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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