so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
