My hand turned me down
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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