I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
