Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
