He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
