You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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