We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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