Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
