It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
