my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
