She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
